I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

The foundation of the narrative is an exploration of dysthymia, a persistent depressive disorder characterized by chronic, low grade symptoms. Rather than presenting severe emotional volatility or total debilitation, this condition manifests as a heavy, aching fatigue that lingers beneath the surface of a seemingly functional life. It is the experience of floating in an ambiguous space between true despair and actual happiness. Because the symptoms are subtle and often masked by the conscious effort to perform normalcy, the suffering remains largely invisible to both the individual and their social circle.

The text is structured not as a retrospective summary but as a raw transcript of real clinical sessions interspersed with reflective essays. This architectural choice disrupts the traditional self help format by stripping away curated advice and detached case studies. The reader observes the messy reality of introspection in real time, capturing the exact words spoken in the counseling room. This documentation method allows contradictions and cognitive distortions to live openly on the page, demonstrating that true therapeutic work is a continuous, unstructured dialogue rather than a neat progression of epiphanies.

A central tension arises from the persistent gap between actual reality and an impossibly high set of internal standards. There is a deep seated compulsion to project a persona of flawless empathy, warmth, and uniqueness. When the reality of normal human flaws surfaces, it triggers intense feelings of being basic, uninteresting, or fraudulent. This idealized self becomes a source of internal torture, creating an endless loop of self sabotage where genuine accomplishments are immediately discounted and positive events are viewed with suspicion.

A primary cognitive distortion identified in the therapy sessions is a reliance on black and white extremism. Complex social interactions and internal states are reduced to strict binaries. In moments of conflict, the available responses feel limited to either passively enduring mistreatment out of weakness or aggressively lashing out in a way that generates immediate regret. This absolutist framework leaves no room for the natural friction of human relationships, fostering a belief that any disagreement signifies a total failure of character or an irredeemable loss of affection.

The central philosophical premise rests on the validity of holding conflicting truths simultaneously. The human mind can harbor a profound desire to disappear or end its suffering while concurrently retaining an appetite for mundane pleasures, like eating a favorite dish. Acknowledging this duality serves as a crucial step in dismantling shame. It validates the reality that deep emotional pain does not eradicate ordinary desires, and enjoying small comforts does not invalidate the severity of underlying depression.

The internalization of external judgment heavily dictates daily emotional stability. There is a constant, insidious awareness of the social gaze, which manifests in intense body dysmorphia and a hyper fixation on physical appearance. This self surveillance extends beyond physical traits into an obsession with how one's personality is perceived, leading to behaviors like recording personal conversations to analyze them later for perceived conversational flaws. The external world is internalized as a permanent, critical audience that must be constantly appeased.

An uncomfortable internal contradiction emerges from the act of silent judgment. Despite possessing a deep fear of being criticized by others, there is an involuntary habit of looking down on people for the very flaws feared in the self. This behavior creates a fractured identity, resulting in feelings of being two faced and hypocritical. The subsequent realization is that lashing out or harboring quiet disdain only enlarges personal emotional wounds, turning external criticisms back into a source of private shame and isolation.

The healing process is portrayed not as a passive reception of medical wisdom but as an active, collaborative rewriting of the self. The psychiatrist practices active listening to guide the dismantling of cognitive distortions. Together, they work to build a new framework for self observation, one that allows people to be complex, multi faceted, and imperfect. This collaborative effort models the positive self talk that is currently absent, slowly teaching the mind to step back from immediate emotional reactions and analyze the true roots of its anxiety.

The progression through therapy aggressively rejects the conventional narrative arc of a continuous upward climb toward a cure. Progress arrives in fragmented bursts and is frequently interrupted by severe periods of regression. Side effects from medication trigger new anxieties, and professional shifts induce familiar waves of despondency. By allowing the narrative to lack a definitive, triumphant conclusion, the text reinforces that managing mental health is an ongoing, cyclical practice rather than a problem to be permanently solved.

A vital shift in perspective involves untangling personal value from the need to be extraordinary. Comfort is ultimately found in the quiet ordinariness of life and the realization that personal problems, while painful, are a shared aspect of humanity. Rather than striving for a dramatic and finalized happy ending, the focus narrows to identifying small, manageable fragments of solace. Solitude is redefined not as a state of tragic isolation, but as a neutral space where one can exist without the pressure of performing for an audience.

The deeply personal struggle is intricately linked to systemic societal pressures that prioritize achievement, obedience, and image over emotional truth. In environments where mental illness carries a heavy stigma and emotional vocabulary is underdeveloped, maintaining a facade of well being becomes a vital survival mechanism. Publicly articulating the nuances of mild depression operates as a radical act against a culture of silence. It exposes the hidden costs of high achieving societies where emotional safety is entirely disconnected from outward success.